“I cannot tell you any spiritual truth that you don’t know already. All I can do is remind you of what you have forgotten.”
Having just returned from an amazing trip to Italy, I found myself reflecting on the changes I am seeing in my life since coming to see who I truly am. I realise that while most people who know me, might describe me as easy going, what they couldn’t see was, I was masking a deep fear of what the future could bring.
Having been through some very tough times in the past, I felt a strong need to protect my family from any more suffering. I believed if I could control and fix everything around us, I could keep us safe.
This was usually amplified when traveling on holidays, my stress levels would go through the roof, visualising worst case scenario’s, and packing accordingly. My husband and kids learned to leave me be on the day we were traveling as I checked and rechecked we had everything we could possibly need. It was only when we were sitting on the plane I could take a breath and relax, at least until we got to our destination.
Arriving at our hotel I had little rituals, while my husband and kids would be itching to get to the pool, I would need a little settling in time, wanting to get a feel for the place. While this might sound strange, I have always been very sensitive to energies around me, and can pick up if somewhere feels safe or not.
However what I’ve come to realise is, I had been living my life in hyper-vigilance mode, always watching out for any signs of trouble or possible danger in order to keep us safe, which doesn’t really make for a fun holiday.
This realisation came shortly after a coaching program with Michael Neill called “The effortless path to change” in which Michael described our most natural state of being as one of love, peace and contentedness, when we are in this natural state, beyond our conceptual mind, it brings feelings of bliss and a sense of being Home.
This hit me like a lightening bolt, as I remembered the many times I had felt this way in the past, and, not understanding this was our natural state of being, I spent years seeking and chasing this beautiful feeling, unaware it was sitting under the surface of all the over-thinking I was doing.
And so, fast forward two years, I have just had the most amazing holiday experience, overcoming long held fears of deep water, after a near drowning in Bali, I found myself on a speed boat crossing the beautiful Lake Garda, and while the familiar, worrying thoughts of all that could potentially go wrong entered my mind, I let them slip on by, no longer feeding my paranoia, instead letting the wind and sea spray wash over me as I gave my attention to the beautiful views along the distant shoreline we sailed past.
And, as we tied up to a buoy off the most beautiful shore line I have ever seen, I joined my kids in jumping off the back of the boat into the water, something I wouldn’t have had the courage to do with them in the past.
For full disclosure, when we first sped up out of the harbour, I gripped on very tightly to the seat back in front of me, which brought back a memory of another holiday in which we hired a jet ski, I was on the back and suddenly became so terrified of falling into the sea, that the next day the muscles in my arms were aching from holding on so tight. I realised if I didn’t loosen my grip on the boat, the same would happen again, as I let go and relaxed my body, I began to move easily with the flow of the boat.
In those moments I realised just how rigid I had been in my life, keeping a tight grip on everyone I loved, thinking it would keep us safe, instead I was holding us all back, missing out on the fluidity and flow of life. I knew I had made some changes and had begun to let go, but this holiday was proving just how far I had come.
In the past I had been completely limited by my fear of the “what if” thoughts that always seemed to invade my mind, instead of going with the flow of the endless opportunities life brings, I would over-analyse it, usually to the point of letting the opportunity slip by.
But not anymore, having completed my life coaching diploma last year, I set myself a challenge of living bravely, by saying yes to opportunities which felt right for me, no longer listening to the follow up insecure thoughts of whether I had made the right decision. I also strived to get comfortable with being uncomfortable, by doing things beyond my comfort zone, in the knowledge I am a magnificent being of love and light and no matter what life brings, I AM always okay.
As we made our way back to shore, I sat hands free, watching the sunlight sparkle across the water like diamonds, suddenly feeling a beautiful sense of being at one with everything, a feeling I am becoming very familiar with. I also saw clearly that I am no longer afraid of my thoughts, having finally broken free of the chains of the fearful, habitual thinking that had been keeping me from living and loving life to the full.
Thanks for reading.
Namaste- I honour the place in you, in which the entire universe resides. I honour the place in you, of love, of light, of truth and of peace. And when you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, there is only one of us.